Friday 13 June 2014 by Gary Stanton

US military refusing to ‘rule anything out’ in bid to topple Sepp Blatter

Sepp Blatter military intervention

The footballing world has called upon the US military to remove the corrupt regime of FIFA bastard Sepp Blatter, it has emerged.

Fans demanded that the US take urgent action after the bent-as-a-nine-bob-note FIFA President announced he was standing for a fifth term.

Blatter’s tenure has lasted since 1998, a period during which England have been almost entirely shit, leading most right-thinking people to call for his disembowelment.

In 1990, Blatter used FIFA money to back deadly nerve gas attacks against the Kurdish population in Northern Iraq after the country held Switzerland to a goalless draw.

Although the US is reluctant to engage in a protracted military conflict with Blatter, President Barack Obama has hinted that all options are on the table.

US FIFA military intervention

The US administration is divided into hawks and doves, with the hawks keen to employ Apache helicopters capable of targeting Blatter’s girth.

The doves, meanwhile, favour targeted drone strikes, which have proved so effective at killing Afghan children.

Evidence of corruption has been mounting against the corpulent Swisster, who has resisted goal-line technology and was directly responsible for Sol Campbell’s goal against Argentina being disallowed.

And Newsthump is in possession of illegally-obtained phone taps during which Blatter is heard offering his granddaughter a ‘backhander’ of one thousand Swiss francs for her eighteenth birthday.

Last night, the diminutive cash-pocketer hit back claiming that any attempt to topple him would definitely be racist and probably Swiss-ist.

Gary Lineker and the Match of the Day team have since called for Blatter to be replaced by a puppet regime headed by Greg Dyke.

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