In the countdown to England’s first World Cup game on Saturday, panicky Brazilian officials have asked Wayne Rooney for the phone number of the people who carried out his hair transplant.
“The pitch is in terrible condition”, admitted a spokesman for the Brazilian FA.
“The grass is thin and clumps of it just come out at even the smallest tug. We were looking at it the other day wondering how we could get such a sparse expanse covered at short notice and it was like a lightbulb went on over our heads.”
“Let’s face it, based on past performances this might be the most meaningful contribution Rooney makes during the entire tournament.”.
Manaus World Cup pitch
Groundskeepers at the Manaus site are now hopeful they can give the ground a thick, natural-looking cover by moving individual blades of grass from more densely turfed, untouched areas such as the away goal at Anfield.
When asked how they will get the new turf to the glossy, lustrous condition required for an international fixture in only 24 hours, the spokesman just tapped his nose, winked and said “Joe Hart”.