Daily Mail to become top-shelf publication to protect children from extremism

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In order to protect vulnerable young children susceptible to extremism, the Daily Mail is to become the first British tabloid to be sold from the top-shelf, according to reports.

A Royal Commission on the press have asserted the publication posed an unsavoury threat to the views of children and should only be made available from the far-right of the upper tier of shelving units across the country.

A spokeswoman for the commission, Sheila Mount, hoped the move would help preserve the mental sanctity of the next generation of politicians.

“The Daily Mail has long been the far-right’s version of a cave-shot, grainy video of a man on dialysis threatening to wreak terror on Britain and its allies,” she told a press conference.

“That’s not to say the Daily Mail doesn’t wreak a similar terror on Britain on a frighteningly frequent basis.”

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“It has an uncanny ability to spread fear in the mind’s of the young and old alike with extravagant proclamations of the evil perpetrated by foreigners, gays, transsexuals, non-UKIP voters, bird-flu, paedophiles and traffic wardens – the list is endless.”

“All this, whilst sexualising those under the age of consent, has seen the Daily Mail placed firmly out of reach of children under the height of 6’5.”

Daily Mail to go ‘top shelf’

UKIP voter, Simon Williams, felt the relocation of his favourite paper was indicative of all that was wrong with modern Britain.

“I cannot so much as hoist the British flag outside the BNP Headquarters without being deemed a rampant racist.”

“But now you’ve got me reaching up amongst the smut to find out which female child star is looking ‘all grown up’.”

“It’s outrageous.”

I think, therefore I am (not a Daily Mail reader)