Tuesday 13 May 2014

Roy Hodgson reveals England’s 23-strong World Cup excuse list

Brazil World Cup England squad of excuses

England manager Roy Hodgson has ended speculation by revealing the 23 excuses he plans to use for England’s failure at the World Cup.

The list of excuses will be expected to maintain a modecum of respect for the team following their inevitable early exit from the competition.

Hodgson told reporters at the unveiling, “We are away for a couple of weeks, so it’s important I give myself a full range of excuses to choose from, depending on what the tournament throws at us.”

“Flexibility is key, and though I’ve gone for trusted excuses such as cheating foreigners and lack of english players in the premier league, I’ve called up a couple of new ones in media intrusion and ‘inexperience’.”

“They might not have proven themselves at international level, but I know they will do a job if required.”

England squad revealed

Fans have reacted with a mixture of surprise and frustration at the squad of excuses, and debate has raged between them over which excuses should be on the plane to Brazil.

England supporter Simon Williams told us, “It’s not a bad squad, but I think taking three Theo Walcott excuses is overkill, you just need a couple, and that means he’s had to leave a couple of promising excuses at home.”

“My mate Dave said he should have taken a wildcard, like the ‘Illuminati’, or ‘Aliens’ – but he supports Birmingham City, so what does he know.”

That excuse list in full:

  1. The temperature was too hot
  2. The temperature wasn’t as hot as we’d planned
  3. The hotel was too isolated
  4. The hotel was too central and busy
  5. Inexperience
  6. Too much experience
  7. Homesickness
  8. Media intrusion
  9. Theo Walcott injury
  10. Andros Townsend injury
  11. Kyle Walker injury
  12. No Theo Walcott
  13. Lack of Chris Smalling injury
  14. Influx of premier league foreigners
  15. Too many Premier League games
  16. ‘Silly mistakes’ on the pitch
  17. Cheating foreigners robbing our brave boys
  18. WAGs
  19. Theo Walcott wasn’t there
  20. Local food wasn’t right
  21. The Internet
  22. John Terry texting a player’s girlfriend
  23. “I got it wrong”

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