Tuesday 6 May 2014 by Gary Stanton

‘Skull cracker’ Michael Wheatley to stand as UKIP candidate

UKIP candidate

Newly-free bank robber Michael Wheatley may contest the Newark by-election as a UKIP candidate, according to reports.

Wheatley, who is serving a 27-year sentence, absconded from an open prison last Friday after persistent meddling from Brussels.

Officers were called to an address in Twickenham, South West London just before 20:00 BST on Monday after reports of an unshaven man wearing a purple rosette.

Although Wheatley earned his nickname by pistol-whipping victims, including an elderly woman, he strongly denies being a racist.

Leader Nigel Farage claims that Wheatley meets the party’s strict entrance criteria as he has already served most of his sentence.

UKIP are keen to show the party is a “broad church” by adding borderline psychopaths to its existing list of fruitcakes.

“Michael Wheatley would be a model UKIP candidate in that he is a colourful character with a past”, Farage told us.

Analysts claim Farage and Wheatley have a great deal in common as they have both done controversial things with bank accounts.

Wheatley, meanwhile, believes the UK should be free to make its own laws, including relaxing the ones that prevent people from walking into a bank and shooting someone in the face.

Farage added, “We need to draw a clear distinction between those seeking asylum, and those who should probably be in one.”

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