Tamiflu performed exactly as we hoped it would, claim Tamiflu manufacturers

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A report claiming that Government stocks of Tamiflu work no better than paracetamol does not take into account how successful it is at ‘returning shareholder value’, according to Tamiflu executives.

The report claimed that hundreds of millions of pounds of tax-payers money had been ‘wasted’ on a pill that makes little or no difference to those suffering from the flu.

However the manufacturers of Tamiflu, pharmaceutical company Roche, responded to the report by saying that Tamiflu is perhaps the best drug they’ve ever created.

As one Roche executive explained, “Just because some scientists said it’s no better than paracetamol at making you better doesn’t mean it’s not a brilliant drug.”

“Do you see this? This is my year-end dividend statement, and that big number with all the zeros printed right there would have been an awful lot smaller without Tamiflu, and the hundreds of millions various governments have spent on it.”

“Has it made people better? Well, that’s debatable. It’s definitely made my life better, that’s for sure.”

“And if you’re a Roche shareholder then I think you’d agree that Tamiflu has also made your life better.”

“So you know, I think we have to look at Tamiflu as a complete success.”

Tamiflu reserves

Tax payers have said that the only thing that surprises them with the Tamiflu news is that so far no-one has been able to identify which government official had benefitted the most.

Vote Simon Williams explained, “Oh, that reveal is coming, mark my words.”