‎We’re all really very sorry, says entire prison population

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The entire prison population is in a very apologetic mood today after Culture Secretary Maria Miller avoided prosecution and the sack by saying sorry.

Mrs Miller, who was ordered to repay £5,800 to cover over-claiming of mortgage expenses, told MPs that she was “Hand-on-heart, 110% sorry” before concluding that the matter was now over.

In a bid to secure early release, violent criminal Johnny ‘The Complete Cunt’ Henderson was quick to follow Mrs Miller’s example.

“I fully accept the jury’s findings that I repeatedly smashed my victim’s face into a gravity feed slicer,” he said.

“So yeah, I’m really sorry about that.”

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Mr Henderson’s boss, Mike ‘The Fucking Lunatic’ Benson, offered his full support to his former henchman.

“Johnny carried out an act of extreme violence which some people may consider to have been excessive,” he said.

“But he’s made a full apology, and I think people should leave it at that and let him get back to the job he was doing before this all kicked off.”

Maria Miller apology

Witnesses outside parliament said that Miller’s apology had seen a dramatic shift in her ongoing behaviour.

As one unnamed commons worker explained, “After apologising to MPs, she was seen heading straight to the Tesco Express on parliament square before helping herself to a giant bag of Maltesers without paying, shouting over her shoulder ‘I’m sorry!’ as she left.”

“Then she got hammered in the house of commons bar, before driving home and crashing her car into a wall – apparently she explained at the scene that she was sorry and just hailed a cab to go home.”

“It seems the ‘I’m sorry so I can get out of jail free’ card has gone to her head a bit.”

“There’s a rumour she bought a gun on the way to work this morning, god only knows what she’s planning to apologise for next.”