Monday 31 March 2014 by Formelia Alberthine

Crossrail ticket inspectors issue first penalty fares to Black Death victims

Black Death crossrail fines

Crossrail ticket inspectors have issued the first penalty fares of their tenure to the remains of several Black Death victims who were unable to produce a valid ticket for the entire length of their final journey.

According to reports the skeletal remains –  whose unearthing had delayed the network’s tunnel excavations – have further infuriated officials insistent that delays are normally within their remit, by refusing to divulge their starting destination.

“Their intransigence in this matter is mind-boggling”, said a source.

“We’ve asked them multiple times if they left from Slough, Maidenhead or Reading – but they’re remaining silent.”

“It is clear that this was an orchestrated attempt to flout the fare paying convention, and that they staked out the route until the coast was clear.”

“Their refusal to cooperate with our fines process is likely to leave them having to fork out for the maximum payable fare – which, for a journey that started sometime in the 14th century, is pretty substantial.”

Crossrail fines

The source went on, “They have shown no intention whatsoever of purchasing a rite of travel.”

“Not even so much as a medieval ‘Cockle-card’ between ’em.”

Ticket inspector Trevor Pask confirmed that management hoped to make an example of the culprits by putting them on display at stations along the 73-mile route.

We’ll have them positioned above the self-service ticket machines, and I’m sure their presence will serve as a healthy reminder to those seeking to exploit our network.”

“A reminder that rail fare exploitation works only in our favour and if you try it, then one day we will catch up with you.”

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