Thursday 27 March 2014 by Davywavy

Prisoners ‘smuggling books inside packets of drugs’

Prisoners smuggling books

In the wake of the government’s decision to prevent prison inmates from receiving gifts of books from outside jail, prisoners have begun smuggling books concealed inside narcotics shipments to get a much-needed literary fix.

Prison authorities have revealed they were shocked to discover two copies of The Brother’s Karamazov, an omnibus of Martin Amis novels and a review copy of the latest Brian Sewell guide to modern art carefully concealed in a half-hundredweight of blow.

The drugs were being delivered to Wormwood Scrubs, and the Home Office has reported a tenfold rise in poetry writing, pensive laments and tragic posing, which can only be attributed to a dramatic rise in the availability of the Romantic Poets over recent years.

“People are ingenious in the methods they use to smuggle literature past the authorities and into the prison system”, said the Governor of HMP Belmarsh.

“We’ve known for years they could get the softer stuff – when you turn out a cell you might find a couple of Jack Reachers, or there’d be a trade in pages of Dan Brown between the more desperate cases – but recently it’s got much worse and the hard stuff is really taking hold.”

“Someone in B wing is running a Marcel Proust racket, and there’s been a lot of Yukio Mishima getting in lately.”

“That sort of thing can really mess you up if you’re exposed to too much of it.”

“All we can think is that they’re bringing it in with the regular shipments of high-quality pharmaceuticals which are a fixture of the prison system.”

“If it goes on like this we’re looking at having to ban drugs from the correctional system entirely.”

Book smuggling

“It’s inhumane”, said one prisoner who asked not to be named.

“When you’re in prison you desperately need something to relieve the boredom and all I’ve got to help me wile away my sentence is a single copy of Being and Nothingness which my gran smuggled past the screws up her bum.”

“And let me tell you – Jean-Paul Sartre isn’t much improved by being wrapped in skag and shoved up an octogenarian’s jacksie.”

“On the other hand, maybe it it is”, he added.

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