Thursday 20 March 2014

Lonely God relieved as Fred Phelps becomes Heaven’s first qualifying resident

Fred Phelps dead Westboro Baptist Church

God has admitted he’s delighted to finally have someone to live with him in Heaven, after the death of Westboro Baptist Church leader Fred Phelps.

God welcomed the Church leader, claiming he had waited thousands of years for someone who finally ‘got it’ and could therefore be welcomed into through the pearly gates.

His heavenliness explained, “Every day without fail I have these do-gooders and bleeding heart liberals turning up on my doorstep claiming they’ve lived a good life. But so what?”

“Did you picket the funeral of a soldier I had killed because the gays can get married? No, you didn’t.”

“Did you harass passers-by on the street about how I completely and utterly hate fags? No, you did not.”

“So why do you expect to get a place in Heaven with me? I thought I’d made myself pretty clear in the Bible.”

“It’s all in there if you look closely enough and ignore all the right bits – and thankfully Fred Phelps did just that.”

“We’re getting on great, thanks for asking.  He’s a lovely fella, though he’s insisting on wearing a t-shirt with the slogan ‘I told you so’.”

“Plus I’m enjoying spending time with someone other than Jesus – who let’s be honest is a bit of a soppy sod when it comes to the gays.”

Fred Phelps dead at 84

God went on to reiterate that Heaven is only for the deserving, and that no-one in the history of mankind is more deserving than Fred Phelps.

He explained, “I don’t care how much you did for charity, or how many ‘neighbours you loved’ – you’re not getting in unless you’ve done as I wanted, like Fred did.”

“I’m half tempted to have a lightning bolt hit the Westboro Baptist Church, as we could maybe get a bit of a bowling league going on up here. That would be fun.”

“But then who would be down there telling you how to get up here?”

“It’s a tough one, for sure.”

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