Thursday 6 March 2014

Newcastle’s Alan Pardew to wear matchday cone to protect opposition

Alan Pardew vet cone

Newcastle United manager Alan Pardew is to wear a vet-style cone during future matches to protect opposing players and officials from unprovoked physical attacks.

The unusual move by the FA is seen as the only way to address a manager many claim is only one step away from murdering someone during a match.

An FA spokesperson explained, “We have adapted a cone usually reserved for Rottweilers that should prevent his head from getting too close to anyone during the match itself, whilst still allowing him to see most of the action if he tilts his head forward.”

“It’s an unusual step, but one with which we were left with no choice. The man is a complete liability, and given free access to players and match-day officials it’s only a matter of time before tragedy strikes.”

“The cone will prevent him biting, spitting, shouting at or headbutting anyone at all.”

“Combined with the electronic collar which gives him a mild shock whenever he steps out of his technical area I think we have the perfect solution to Alan Pardew.”

Alan Pardew match-day protection

The League Managers Association said they had spoken up on Pardew’s behalf, but that the collar seemed like a reasonable compromise for all concerned.

A LMA spokesperson explained, “Some people will question the FA’s decision to seek advice from a vet rather than a psychologist, but vets deal with these types of overly aggressive incidents all the time with their patients.”

“Their first suggestion was castration, which apparently leaves the subject much more docile.  But this was met with significant opposition from Mrs Pardew so we negotiated that one out.”

“This despite a petition from a few Southampton players insisting castrating him was best for all concerned.”

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