Thursday 20 February 2014

Britain to petition Winter Olympics for inclusion of ‘Longest Pavement Skid’ event

Longest pavement skid

Britain’s armchair athletes have insisted they could bring back the gold from the Winter Olympics if longest skid on an icy pavement is made an official discipline.

With millions of British adults having spent years as a child honing their skills to get every last inch out of the skidding conditions, experts predict its inclusion could see our medal tally double overnight.

35-year-old Simon Williams told, “I could do 10 metres even in those thick rubber bottomed shoes my mum used to make me wear, so imagine what I could do in leather soles and a lycra bodysuit?

“I’d be a gliding adonis who could skid for hours.

“But it doesn’t surprise me that the pavement skid has been shunned by the Olympic authorities, after all, my school was full of signs saying ‘no skidding’ once the ice came. Authority just doesn’t appreciate true talent on the ice when it sees it.

“It’s almost like they don’t want Britain to be successful in winter sports.

“That said, I can also do fastest hill descent on a bin liner if you’re interested?”

Sports commentators have backed the proposals, saying it plays into the sporting strengths of the Great British public.

As one explained, “Look at the Winter Olympics as a whole, it’s just a series of events based around skidding, slipping and sliding – so why not add one more we’d actually have a chance of doing alright in?

“It’s an event where practice at an early age requires completely ignoring your teachers, so this nation’s children will be incredibly well prepared.

“Are there any other winter sports from school we should add? Well, unless they’re going to start giving out medals for faking an asthma attack during cross-country, probably not.”

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