Friday 14 February 2014

Libraries to start lending bongo mags

Libraries to stock more erotic fiction

As libraries across the country reported loans of erotic fiction at an all-time high, many have said that stocking jazz mags to cater for all tastes could be the lifeline the struggling facilities need.

With libraries everywhere facing closure the realisation that the public is essentially a massive pool of filthy-minded consumers willing to go into a public place to rent something to help them masturbate has led to hope for many librarians.

Library worker Simon Williams told us, “I think we have that 50 Shades book to thank, as suddenly the sort of story you’d normally get in the back of a porno mag is now on the bookshelves next to actual literature.”

“I suppose it’s not surprising that people want more of it, as frankly we’re all absolutely gagging for it most of the time.”

“Also, now that the government is putting the web porn blocker in every house, I’d imagine a library well-stocked with Asian Babes and Naughty Cheerleaders would be busier than a Friday night Wetherspoons.”

Williams’ colleague Sharon Moffat told us, “As well as loaning the adult literature there are apparently complementary products we could sell to raise a few pounds to help keep the doors open.”

“You know, things like lube, vibrators, dildos – and something I believe is called ‘anal beads’. Which I don’t really get as they look nothing like an anus, but they do make a lovely necklace, look.”

Libraries to rent smut

Former library users have expressed delight at the new proposals, insisting it might be worth paying that fine for that Famous Five book they borrowed in 1983 and never returned.

Potential library visitor Mike Smith told us, “Wait, are you telling me I could get a copy of Razzle, for free, from the library?”

“And they even have quiet ‘private reading rooms’?”

“This is very interesting to me. Do they supply tissues and moisturiser or should I bring my own?”

However sex shop owner Dave Matthews told us, “Look, if libraries are going to start encroaching on our territory, then we’ll start renting books. Then they’ll be sorry.”

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