Tuesday 4 February 2014

UKIP offers cash reward in search for ‘single palatable representative’

UKIP gang member

UKIP has offered a cash reward to any member of the public who succeeds in finding a single palatable representative anywhere inside their organisation.

After their former Commonwealth spokesperson was found to be the leader of a kidnapping gang that ransomed victims for £50,000 at a time, party sources admitted they were struggling to find anyone that might withstand a rudimentary background check.

A UKIP spokesperson explained, “We hadn’t really thought of doing background checks on members, or on those people we put into highly visible positions of power – why would we?”

“Also, what sort of in-depth background check do you think we need to do in order to find out someone was involved in a high-profile case covered by lots of newspapers? We don’t have time for that sort of thing.”

“Plus there are loads of Mujeeb Bhuttos out there, so how could we know that the man we made our public-facing spokesperson was that particular one?”

UKIP gang member

Political analysts have said that Bhutto’s involvement in the party will have strengthened its position on many of the party’s key beliefs and stated aims.

As one told us, “The skills he developed during his time with the kidnapping gang will have been useful in formulating UKIP policies and manifesto commitments. It’s the little details that will count most.”

“For example, there are a lot of parallels to be drawn between holding someone against their will and getting rid of someone against their will.”

“Both involve coercion, putting people where they don’t want to be, and practises most right-minded people find distasteful.”

“It’s got UKIP written all over it.”

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