Monday 3 February 2014 by Gary Stanton

Philadelphia groundhog predicts Man United to continue being shit

Groundhog on Manchester United

An oversized rodent who resides in Philadelphia has insisted that Man United’s dismal run of form is set to continue well into the spring.

Groundhog Punxsutawney Phil, 8, has achieved legendary status with his ability to predict US winter weather patterns, but this is thought to be the first time he has tried his paw at football punditry.

The sleepy beast was dragged from his burrow shortly before Man U’s game against Stoke and managed to correctly predict the deflection which saw David Moyes’ side slump to their eighth defeat of the current campaign.

As Stoke’s second goal rifled into the top corner of the net, the groundhog whispered into the ear of his handler, “Seriously, I can’t watch this shit any longer – put me back in my burrow.”

The groundhog was also correct with his prediction of extensive injuries to Phil Jones and Jonny Evans and the general lack of interest from United’s midfield.

Groundhog on Man Utd woes

Phil continued, “If you’re a United fan, every day is going to seem exactly like the last one – just like in that film I did with Bill Murray, for which I received no payment whatsoever incidentally.”

He added, “On the 26th of April, United will play out a sterile 2-2 draw with Norwich City in front of fifty-two thousand fans, thereby extinguishing any hopes of competing in next season’s Europa League.”

“Moyes’ contract will be prematurely terminated after which he will be interviewed for the newly-vacated managerial post at Werder Bremen.”

“He won’t get that job owing to the fact that he can’t speak German any more than he can manage a football club.”

Last night, Phil was said to be in extensive talks with the BBC about replacing Gary Lineker as host on Match of the Day.

“I can’t rule out some kind of gnawing incident involving Alan Hansen,” he concluded.

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