Monday 27 January 2014

Err, yeah, doves definitely go to heaven, confirms Pope

Pope sends doves to Heaven

Doves thrown by men in dresses into the mouths of predators will definitely go to heaven, according to the Pope this morning.

After the Pontiff threw two doves of peace directly into the firing line of other predatory birds, thousands of witnesses gathered outside the Vatican in the square below sought clarification as to the fate of the birds souls.

The Pope issued an announcement explaining that any doves thrown by a Pope out of a window and immediately thrust into life-threatening situations will definitely go to heaven where they will spend eternity at the side of baby Jesus.

The Pontiff explained, “The scriptures are very clear on this point – and I’m infallible so I am definitely right about this and you shouldn’t even think about questioning what I’m saying here.”

“So, err, yeah, doves definitely go to Heaven if I’m responsible for them being killed in a highly graphic and visible way on television.”

“Oh, unless they’re gay doves, obviously. They burn in Hell I’m afraid.”

Vatican doves attacked

Religious scholars spoke after the Pope’s announcement to suggest that God has probably chosen this opportunity in front of thousands of worshippers and millions of television viewers to show ‘the futility of peace’.

As one explained, “Maybe God wants to show us that to secure true peace you need to be better armed that your aggressors?”

“I mean, I’m sure that if the Pope threw the doves out of the window with battle armour and lasers or something, they would have emerged victorious, with peace being the obvious winner and the losers being a bloody pool of seagull and crow.”

“So more weapons – that’s what God wants for us!”

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