Monday 6 January 2014 by Gary Stanton

Wenger to use money thrown by Spurs fans to strengthen Arsenal squad

Coins thrown and Theo Walcott

Tight-arsed Arsenal boss, Arsene Wenger, will use the cash generated by Theo Walcott’s derby match taunts to strengthen his attacking options, it has emerged.

As the Arsenal dynamo was stretchered off towards the end of the cup tie, Spurs fans reacted angrily to his shit-eating grin by emptying the contents of their piggy banks onto his head.

And as news of multi-denominational deluge reached the dugout, Wenger beckoned a steward over and asked him ‘How much are we talking about?’

After the stadium fell quiet following Arsenal’s 2-0 victory, Wenger was spotted by Match of the Day cameras prowling the touchline with a state-of-the-art metal detector.

Wenger said, “It is difficult to find an English bank that will accept anything other than notes so I ‘ave transferred most of the money into giant whisky bottles that were left ‘ere by Tony Adams.”

Wenger transfer fund

Although he now has a huge quantity of two-pound coins to spend on players, Wenger has also found himself massively popular with North London bus drivers.

The Frenchman will need to act fast if he is to combat the club’s latest injury crisis, which was compounded this morning when Jack Wilshere turned up at an Islington A&E Unit with a saucepan on his head.

While Wenger has refused to reveal the exact amount he managed to recover after Saturday’s clash, he is understood to have enough to tempt Liverpool’s Luis Suarez, with at least £5.60 left over for a haircut.

The Arsenal boss now views the cash-in-return-for-provocative-gestures as an important part of the club’s revenue-generating arm and has earmarked the next training session to teach Per Mertesacker the ‘wanker’ sign.

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