University students home for the Christmas holidays are currently compiling a list of reasons why it’s time to put their parents in an old people’s home.
Barely a fortnight into their month off, students across the country have reported senility and early onset dementia amongst the middle-aged people who raised them.
Philosophy student Simon Williams told us, “My Dad can’t programme his DVR to record match of the day, so can I really expect him to look after himself day-to-day?
“Sure, today it’s just a missed Match of the Day, but I fear he’s just one step away from electrocuting himself in the bath or starving to death over a prolonged period.
“Plus selling a 3-bed semi in the Midlands would probably be enough to find him and mum a decent-enough home and clear my student debts. I think that’s the very definition of win-win.
“Do you know any good estate agents?”
Students want parents in a home
Many students have explained how a single term living away from home has brought home just how close their parents are to losing their marbles completely.
Returning Geography student Sharon Smith told us, “Is there some sort of home DNA test I can take – I can’t believe for one second I’m from the same gene pool as these people.
“Sure, I look a bit like them – but it’s like they’re a different species entirely.
“I mean, I love them dearly, and I’ll try to find a nice home for them, but they can’t be allowed to look after themselves in modern society.
“I’ve rung around a few, but so far none of them is willing to take a 48-year-old couple. Any ideas?”