Tuesday 24 December 2013

Kalashnikov death leaves NRA members finally shedding tear for someone they don’t know

Members of the NRA have proven they have a heart after all, after shedding a tear over the death of the designer of the world-famous AK-47 assault rifle, Mikhail Kalashnikov. 

Despite accusations of being heartless sociopaths incapable of emotion after failing to cry at any of the recent tragic school shootings across the US, the tears have begun to flow through thousands of members of the National Rifle Association this evening.

Lifelong NRA member Chuck Williams told us, “When I heard that Kalashnikov had died aged 94 I had this sudden strange lumpy feeling in my throat, and water appeared to come out of both of my eyes.”

“I mean, he was so special, why did he have to leave us? It’s not like he’s some dumb high-school kid who wasn’t going to amount to anything anyway.”

“What am I feeling? I’m not sure to be honest, but I guess I’d best describe it as a feeling of ‘loss’? It just seems so unfair that someone like him had to die – why couldn’t God have taken another school instead?”

“Oh god, here I go again.”

Kalashnikov dead

Kalashnikov’s legacy of innovative weaponry will last for generations, according to fans of killing machines across America.

Williams continued, “He designed beautiful objects for killing people incredibly effectively.  I like to think of him as the Steve Jobs of things that kill you.”

“Can you remember the outpouring of grief when Jobs died? Well now you have an idea what we at the NRA are feeling right now.”

However pacifist Norman Matthews told us, “If we’re praising people who made effective tools, without regards to what the tools actually did, then Junky Dave in the park should be lauded for his heroin kits.”

“They’re incredibly user-friendly.”

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