Friday 20 December 2013

New Luis Suarez contract includes access to one chewable scouser per week

Liverpool striker Luis Suarez has signed a new four-year £200,000 a week contract with the club, which includes a clause providing one scouser a week that he can bite freely.

The forward signed the contract to end speculation over a move to the continent in the January transfer window, after many reports linked him to Real Madrid who were offering him a retired footballer to chew on as part of the deal.

Liverpool spokesperson Simon Williams explained, “We are delighted to secure a player of Luis’ calibre to a long-term deal, and we are confident he now has the proper rewards he deserves for his on-pitch performances.”

“Sure, most players negotiate cars, homes, and win bonuses, but Luis was absolutely set on having someone available throughout the week for him to bite whenever the need arose.”

“He wanted at least one a day for the duration of his contract, but we felt we might find some opposition amongst human rights organisations.”

“We settled on one person a week, as they’ll be pretty well-bitten by that point anyway and we’re confident we can source that number without too many complaints.”

“This is Liverpool, after all.”

Luis Suarez contract

Fans have reacted with delight at the news of Suarez’s new contract, right up until the point they found out that fans were being asked to volunteer for chew-toy duty at the training ground.

Season ticket holder Jim Matthews explained, “Can we not start him off on some of the reserves? Most of them are shite.”

However Liverpool’s Williams concluded, “Look, I’m sure some fans are a little nervous about volunteering, but you know how when you own a rabbit you’re supposed to provide something for them to chew on? Well owning a Luis Suarez is much the same.”

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