Women in labour urged to turn it down a notch

author avatar by 10 years ago

Women in labour have been urged to take it down a notch or two, after a survey found that a quarter of them were left alone whilst in the process of giving birth.

The finding comes from a poll of 23,000 women by the Care Quality Commission, each of whom probably ‘overdid’ it a bit when it came to giving birth.

As one researcher explained, “Giving birth is one of the most natural and beautiful things in the world, right up until the point when the expectant mother opens her mouth and it becomes like all the worst horror films you’ve ever seen come to life.”

“So is it really any surprise people want to leave them alone for as long as they can get away with if the alternative is a perforated eardrum and a broken hand?”

“There was a very strong correlation between the onset of the really loud screaming and swearing, and people backing slowly out of the room until the woman was alone.”

“We’d need to do some more research to suggest a definite causal link, but I think you can all come to your own conclusions on this one.”

Pregnant women left alone

Young fathers have reacted to the findings with complete surprise, insisting that 75% of pregnant women being kept company throughout their labour seems incredibly high.

Father Simon Williams told us, “I’m stunned that 75% of pregnant women have company throughout the their labour. All I can say is that there must be a lot of deaf midwives out there.”

“I mean, personally speaking, I would happily spend the entire labour with my wife, but she’s going to have to rein it in a little first.”