Monday 9 December 2013 by Gary Stanton

Entire Manchester United squad accused of match fixing

Manchester United’s fading stars are deliberately losing games in exchange for tax-free wads of cash, according to experts.

After the champions slipped to their second home defeat in four days, rumours are rife that Robin Van Persie has received huge envelopes of cash to give less of a fuck.

And the rumours of corruption go right to the top after undercover footage was released of David Moyes agreeing to sign Marouane Fellaini.

Police were alerted to a sudden increase in suspicious betting patterns after Wayne Rooney’s Dad walked into a Croxteth branch of Ladbrokes and stuck twenty quid on Newcastle.

Rooney took no part in the match after picking up five yellow cards, a surprising tally even for a player with the temperament of a crack-addicted Rottweiler handed a fine for parking on a double yellow.

Match-fixing accusation

Damning tapes have since emerged of Rooney apologising to a Saudi betting syndicate after failing to get a yellow card in the match against Sunderland.

Rooney is later joined on the tape by Tom Cleverley, who tells the Saudis he would rather receive a ten match suspension than play another game under David Moyes.

After several beers, Cleverley agrees a sum of half a million pounds to get himself sent off by launching a surprise attack on Liverpool’s Luis Suarez with a hammer.

“Actually, I’d be willing to do it for a fiver,” he tells them.

Under-fire boss David Moyes said, ‘The way we’re playing at the moment, I wouldn’t bet against us being relegated.”

“In fact you’d be a fool to ignore Bet365’s excellent odds of 2000-1 for us to go down with Palace and Fulham.”

The Professional Footballers’ Association said in a statement: “The PFA is aware of the reports in today’s media regarding the sudden inexplicable shitness of Manchester United and other activity relating to Wayne Rooney’s Dad.”

“But we have no further comment at this time.”

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