God listens to prayers for Nelson Mandela, says no

author avatar by 10 years ago

God has declared that although he heard all the prayers for Nelson Mandela, he decided to ignore them.

The great deity told reporters that the incessant pleading from the African content and beyond had got a bit ‘samey’, and that as a result he hadn’t given Mandela’s survival much thought in recent weeks.

He told an enthralled audience, “On the one hand lots of people wanted him to live, but on the other he was a black African, and you know that as a general rule I like to take black Africans really young.”

“So it was an easy decision in the end, though I don’t know why you all seem to think he’s up here with me?”

“He was perfectly pleasant to the gays, and you know what I think about them and the people who are nice to them.”

“Well, actually you don’t know what I think about them – because I’ve never said anything directly about them, but don’t let that stop people telling you what I think about them.”

“So I heard all those prayers for Nelson Mandela, but I’ve been incredibly busy what with helping all those millionaire footballers score goals and keeping all the other politicians alive.”

“Just because I’m omnipotent doesn’t mean I can do everything. No, don’t look that word up in a dictionary.”

Mandela prayers

God went on to defend his ambivalent stance towards Mandela.

He said, “Let’s be honest, the plight of black Africans has never been that high on my list of priorities.”

“A cursory look around West Africa would tell you that – but with all these incessant prayers for Nelson Mandela I thought I’d take a quick look seeing as I was in the area giving Aids to starving black babies.”

“But I really couldn’t be bothered to help.”

“It’s not like he’s a 92 year-old white member of the Royal family in hospital with a kidney problem – I was happy to step in and help there, obviously.”