Wednesday 4 December 2013 by Fionn Shiner and Ed Bayes

Amazon’s secret drone tests leave dozens of goats dead in Pakistan

Amazon Chief Executive Jeff Bezos has announced that tests of unmanned drones to deliver goods to customers have had mixed results in the Kashmir region of Pakistan.

Locals have insisted that the test deliveries from the online retail giant have left a trail of destruction across their homeland.

“I was outside tending to my fields” says Ahmed, a 55 year-old goatherd, “when I heard a sickening thud.”

“My goat, Nasya, had been outside doing what she always does in afternoons, headbutting a wall, when a package fell on her and killed her immediately.”

Upon being informed the package contained a Sony LCD TV he continued: “What the fuck am I going to do with that? I live in a hut, not fucking New York Cities!”

Amazon drones tested

It’s not all doom and gloom, however, as some locals have welcomed these “gifts from Allah.”

Kazim, a 33 year old father of two begins: “I was outside giving Kazim’s special fertiliser to the soil.

“Suddenly, out of nowhere a brown package fell through my latrine. It was vibrating, buzz, buzz, buzz!!”

“I tear it open and there is one pink magic stick! My youngest son Masum asks me, ‘Poppa, what is this stick? Can me and Qani have fun with it?’”

“They do love their magic pink sword with the tiny rabbit ears.”

Mazin, a 25 year-old farmer says, “Only last week my two cousins were innocently killed by American shells, but this week my favourite chicken Ommar was crushed by big package containing seven books by a man named George. R. R. Martin.”

“To you Mr Obama I ask: is this some sort of sick joke? Is this part of your so-called war on terror or do you just have the wrong address?”

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