Tuesday 3 December 2013

Chinese students probably all virgins, insist British teenagers

After studies showed that Chinese students are performing far better academically than their UK counterparts, British teenagers insisted the Chinese were probably all virgins who don’t even smoke.

The UK is falling behind global rivals in international tests taken by 15-year-olds, failing to make the top 20 in maths, reading, science and other subjects our students referred to as ‘boring’.

However students across the UK have insisted that those at the top of the table are probably squares who have never even seen a real boob.

15 year-old student Jason Williams told us, “This one kid Giles in our class is a bit like that, all A*s and over-achievement.”

“But he hasn’t got a girlfriend, so who’s the real winner here?”

“I’ve seen loads of boobs and I’ve done it with a real lady. So who cares about stupid GCSEs and Chinese kids who can read and write good?”

“I bet they couldn’t get served in the Red Lion, either.”

Chinese students leading way

Many teenagers have sought to highlight the achievements of UK students versus the Chinese education system, suggesting there are other factors which should determine whether someone is ‘winning’ in life, or not.

Williams went on, “Look, if you people with clipboards are really interested in a table that UK teenagers are top of, go and look at the one for teenage pregnancy.”

“No-one can touch us when it comes to underage sex, drinking and smoking. We’ve got it going on, definitely!”

“If those Chinese kids want to know how to have a good time, tell them to give me a call.”

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