New guidelines on cigarette packaging will ignore factual health warnings and instead focus on what people really care about – what other people think of them.
As ministers announced a fresh review on the uniform packaging planned for cigarettes, experts have insisted packets should focus on embarrassing the smoker rather than giving them health warnings they clearly don’t give a toss about.
Anti-smoking campaigner Simon Williams explained, “If there’s a smoker out there who doesn’t already know it’s bad for them, then I’d like to meet them.
“It’s about time we just admitted that smokers just don’t care enough about the health concerns to actually give up.
“But what they do care about is people thinking they have terrible breath, stinky vaginas, or tiny penises.
“No-one starts smoking because they like the taste, they do it because someone made them think it was cool, so let’s make them realise it’s about as cool as being a grown-up One Direction fan.”
Smokers have spoken of their outrage at planned changes that could see them sucking on cigarettes from a box proclaiming how bad in bed they are likely to be.
Twenty a-day man James Matthews told us, “I find it hard enough to get laid as it is, what with the yellow fingers, bad breath, and all the wheezing – all I need is a woman also believing I’ve got erectile dysfunction thanks to the new packaging.
“It’s almost as if someone out there really doesn’t want me smoking.
“But let’s be honest, if it was really as bad for me as everyone says, then obviously they would have made it illegal years ago, so it must be fine.”