Tuesday 19 November 2013

Economic recovery complete as bankers return to drugs and orgies

George Osborne has insisted that the UK has fully recovered from recession after senior bankers began using expensive drugs and partaking in orgies once again.

The former Chairman of Co-operative bank, Paul Flowers, was caught buying class A drugs and bragging on texts of a planned orgy in what Conservatives are calling a ‘return to economic prosperity’.

Chancellor George Osborne told reporters, “There are many financial indicators used to illustrate economic recovery – such looking at production and growth in various sectors of the economy.”

“We can look at the service sector, or the building industry for clues as to how our economy is performing.”

“But nothing shows a positive trend in the economic performance of our nation like bankers spunking vast wads of cash on Cocaine and sexual perversions.”

Co-op banker caught

Economists have united in their support of the banker discovery, insisting that this could be the tipping point for returning the UK economy to pre-2008 levels.

The chief financial analyst at the Treasury explained,”This is a great sign, but we’re not there yet.  Meth-amphetamine is still not the sort of drug truly affluent bankers would choose, but the rising consumption of Cocaine is a very position sign.”

“Now, if we could just find a banker wanking in a public toilet whilst high on crack I think the bank of England would revise their economic forecast upwards.”

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