Tuesday 5 November 2013

Andy Coulson genuinely going with the Fawlty Towers ‘I know notheeng’ defence

Andy Coulson has decided to adopt the strategy of Manuel from Fawlty Towers and repeatedly tell the court ‘I know notheeng’.

Coulson is currently on trial for conspiracy to hack phones, but has decided that saying he doesn’t know anything about anything will form his strongest possible defence.

Trouble began when Coulson was asked to confirm his name for the court, at which point he looked triumphantly at his barrister before proclaiming, “I know notheeng!”

His barrister then addressed the defendant, telling him, “No, Mr Coulson, not yet, first I need you to confirm you are indeed who you say you are.”

Coulson then winked before repeating even louder, “I know notheeng!”

“No, not yet Andy, right now I need you to ignore the plan we discussed earlier, and tell the court precisely who you are.”

“I know notheeng!”

This went on for approximately fifteen minutes before court was adjourned so that his barrister could hit him around the back of the head several times to the sound of canned laughter.

A sheepish looking Coulson returned to the dock to continue his denials shortly afterwards.

Coulson trial

The former News of the World editor believes that repeatedly telling anyone who will listen that he didn’t know what was going on at his newspaper will eventually lead to it being ‘believable’.

A friend of Coulson explained, “He saw it on a TV show once, that a cunning plan to convince someone of someone else’s innocence merely required repeated statements of ignorance.”

“He couldn’t remember the programme, but he seems to think the accent is absolutely essential.”

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