Tony Blair to launch full scale invasion of daughter’s muggers

author avatar by 10 years ago

Tony Blair is seeking a series of ‘targeted and proportionate’ measures to avenge the mugging of his daughter Kathryn in Marylebone last Monday.

The former PM cum warmonger insists the two armed male suspects were clearly in breach of UN resolution 7189 which can be interpreted pretty much anyway he likes.

And Blair believes there is a high probability that the muggers are in possession of further WMDs – or as he put it – Weapons for Mugging my Daughter.

Blair has since called in former aide Alistair Campbell to make the case for invading the small block of flats in South London where the muggers are believed to be holed up fearing for their lives.

Campbell said, “Tony has painful memories of having his school dinner money stolen when he was a pupil at the hugely expensive Chorister School in Durham. It doesn’t get much more personal than this.”

“These robbers have made a fatal miscalculation. They have fucked with the wrong guy.”

Blair said, “Ideally we’d take this to the UN, but it’s half day closing on Thursday and it’s unlikely we’d get the French on board. In fact, the muggers probably were French.”

Blair keen on invasion

Although any attack would likely begin with air strikes, Blair was refusing last night to rule out ‘boots on the ground.’

PM David Cameron, meanwhile, urged Blair to pull back from the brink and allow the police to complete their normal routine enquiries.

However, Blair has since called on the international community to ignore the ‘voices of the appeasers’ and ‘crack open the hardware.’

“ID parades, gathering evidence, the normal course of justice – these are just stalling tactics,” Blair added.

“We must be tough on crime, tough on the causes of crime.”

“Unless we’re talking about the illegal invasion of a sovereign nation, obviously.”