UN to confirm Pope is Catholic

author avatar by 9 years ago

The United Nations is set to reveal there is ‘convincing evidence’ that Pope Francis may be a Catholic, according to reports.

Aramaic text seen in a photograph of the front page of a confidential report has been translated by linguistic experts who believe the content to be the smoking sarin-agent payload which could refrock the truth of the Vatican City resident.

A UN source, who wished to remain nameless, said the report could rock the very foundations of modern civilisation.

“I have scarcely had time to digest the translation, but I am shocked,” he told reporters in Zurich.

“To discover that a dress wearing man who professes to be God’s representative on Earth whilst fighting off child abuse scandals among his friends – is actually a Catholic – is simply mind-blowing.”

“I would never have believed it had I not seen it with my own eyes.”

“Just because thousands of worshippers attend matinee style masses given by the Argentinian Francis in the Vatican City, whilst he is adorned head to foot in religious regalia, does not automatically make him a Catholic.”

“It was a difficult conclusion to draw.”

UN confirms Syrian Sarin use

The source said the choice however was easy when compared to attempting to decide whether Syrian forces had used chemical weapons in Damascus.

“Now that was a different matter altogether.”

“Graphic depictions of mass genocide are always difficult to rule on, especially when our member states have arming the perpetrators.”