Friday 13 September 2013

Assad to hand over Syrian chemical weapons after topless massage from Vladimir Putin

Syrian President Bashar al-Assad will hand over his chemical weapons not because of military threats from the US, but thanks to a sensual massage from his friend Vladimir Putin.

Despite the US continuing to push for military intervention, Assad insists it was the gentle hands and calming words of Russia’s president that convinced him to hand over his chemical weapons to the UN.

The Syrian president told reporters, “I am not a man who responds well to threats, but like all real men I respond well to the gentle caress and oily embrace of another man.”

“I had expected a difficult diplomatic conversation, but Vladimir arrived armed with towels, candles and something called ‘poppers’.”

“I have to admit, after an hour in that man’s arms and I’d do anything.”

Syrian chemical weapons

Russian diplomats have insisted their approach should be adopted in all difficult or complex negotiations.

Former Russian negotiator Boris Slavok told us, “In my country we have old saying – ‘take off shirt and use oil to make argument like man’.”

“Or so Vladimir Putin tells us – I hadn’t actually heard of it until he became President.”

“He has often told us, ‘give me mood lighting, sensual oils and a bottle of vodka, and I can talk any man round to my way of thinking’.”

“And so often he does.”

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