Tasers are brilliant fun, admits Home Office

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Tasers are brilliant and no-one can believe their use has only doubled in the last two years, according to Home Office officials.

The devices were discharged 7,877 times by delighted officers 2011, compared to just 3,328 times in 2009.

Home Office officials said taser use was the number one enticing factor in the recruitment of new officers keen to see how someone shakes when electricity is aggressively pushed through their body.

Policeman Simon Williams told us, “Tasers are like an electric gun – it’s like I’m in the future or some science fiction show! Honestly, they are amazing!”

“I’m never more delighted than when I’m called to an overly aggressive male who doesn’t want to do as he’s told.”

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“I have this little dance I do when I get the taser out. There’s no lyrics, but I do tend to chuckle to myself a lot.”

“Have you ever seen a man bite his tongue and piss himself at the same time? Honestly, I just wish we were allowed to YouTube this shit.”

Taser use doubles

Human Rights groups have called the increase ‘unacceptable’, insisting they are potentially lethal weapons – a claim denied by the people using them.

Williams went on, “I’ve never killed anyone and I’ve shot dozens of morons with 50,000 volts.”

“Trust me, they’d change their mind if they just had a go.”