Wednesday 14 August 2013

Joan Edwards’ ghost insists inheritance be spent on aggressive electioneering

The ghost of former nurse Joan Edwards has returned from the grave to insist her inheritance is spent by the coalition parties smearing the opposition before the next election.

The ephemeral apparition was forced into appearing after the coalition bowed to pressure and decided her £520k inheritance should be used by the Treasury for ‘good causes’ instead.

Appearing before reporters her ghostly form moaned, “I can understand the confusion, but let me be clear – I want my life savings spent on flyers securing the position of the incumbent administration at the next election.”

“I mean, I couldn’t very well say, ‘spend this money on Private Investigators to find dirt on your opposition’, could I? But that’s what I meant, when you read between the lines.”

“I would even have accepted this significant piece of funding be used to pay for a series of doorstepping campaigns in key marginal seats – because that’s what I worked my entire life as a nurse to see, after all.”

“But all this ‘good causes’ rubbish? I did enough of that when I was alive.”

“To be honest, I’m furious.”

Coalition to return donation

Despite questions about the motives for the donation, the ghost was unrepentant in her demands for the money to be spent on media buys to tell borderline untruths to the most impressionable elements of the electorate.

The ghost continued, “This is typical of today’s bloody do-gooders.”

“They’ve latched on a tiny piece of ambiguity in my last will and testament in a desperate attempt to use my money to make people’s lives better.”

“They should be bloody ashamed of themselves.”

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