Church to offer payday loans at ‘unbelievable’ rates, insists Archbishop of Canterbury

author avatar by 11 years ago

The Church of England is to offer loans at rates of interest scarcely more believable than an all-seeing omnipotent deity, it has emerged.

Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, told online lender Wonga that the Church of England plans to force it out of business by undercutting it with great value credit unions.

The former banker turned clergyman surprised worshippers by claiming that the only way to tackle the root of all evil is by fully embracing it.

“To sum up: Credit unions good. Same-sex unions bad,” Welby told a half-full congregation at Canterbury Cathedral.

Church payday loans

Welby also hinted that moves are afoot to appoint High Priestess of Easy Credit, Kerry Katona, as England’s first woman bishop, subject to a full sexual health check.

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The archbishop, however, issued words of caution to potential borrowers, warning those who fall behind with repayments that they could face being smited.

Welby said, “Credit unions offer unbelievably low rates of interest, so why not call one of our advisors now and bundle up all of your debts into one easy-to-pay-off loan?”

“Just answer a few simple questions like name, age and sexual orientation. We don’t want you spending it all on lube and poppers.’

“We’re not mugs – this is a business. Normal terms and conditions apply.”

“All that stuff you read in the Bible about Jesus getting angry with the money lenders in the temple is utter horseshit. A decent pair of sandals costs money – Jesus would have understood that,” he continued.

“The Bible should never be taken too literally in relation to such matters.”

“Unless you’re talking about two men doing it up the arse.”

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