Thursday 18 July 2013 by Gary Stanton

Royal baby kidnapped by Somali pirates ‘weeks ago’

The riddle of the whereabouts of the Royal baby has been solved by the Somali pirates who kidnapped it, according to reports.

The baby, believed to be a boy called Clive, was born in the early hours of July the 6th, but was whisked away by the gun-toting marauders, who parked their yacht in the nearby Thames.

Red-faced hospital chiefs are now faced with the embarrassing prospect of explaining the unlikely series of events to the Queen and Prince Philip.

Royal observers say lax security at St Mary’s hospital is to blame for the kidnapping by the men who are thought to have posed as Australian radio DJs.

The crew, aged between 22 and 26, are demanding a ransom of £20m in used banknotes and that disgruntled striker Wayne Rooney signs for FC Mogadishu.

Royal baby whereabouts

Obstetrician Simon Williams said, “The birth went very smoothly until there was a bit of a commotion and a gunman fired off a round of ammunition into the midwife. We’re keeping her in as a precaution.”

“A second man severed the umbilical cord with his bayonet which is not strictly textbook but who I am to argue when there’s an Uzi pointing at my spleen.”

He added, “The baby was born under the star sign Cancer which means it’ll be missing home. It’s also more likely to piss its nappy than a Sagittarius.”

Plans are now afoot to transfer the cash in order to avert a tragedy, which would be first of its kind in the modern era.

Meanwhile, Rooney’s wife “Coleen” is understood to be dismayed by the lack of shops in the burnt-out war zone and is said to be holding out against any proposed deal.

But kidnapper Charles Garfield said, “Mogadishu has very nice 24 hour garage. Is no worse than downtown Croxteth.”

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