Monday 10 June 2013

Prism still can’t tell you where your car keys are

Despite knowing absolutely everything about you, covert intelligence system ‘Prism’ still can not tell you where you left your car keys this morning.

Weekend revelations uncovered a secret plot by governments across the globe to learn everything about you, apart from anything remotely useful.

Citizen Simon Williams told us, “What is the point in an all-knowing computer-based intelligence system if it can’t answer a few basic bloody questions that I really need answering?”

“It seems to knows how many emails I receive offering me cock pills, and when I last called my mother – but it has no idea how to set this Tivo thing to record Match of the Day?”

“What’s the bloody point of that?”

Prism revealed

Critics have said the scale of the invasion into the privacy of people the world over is terrifying, whilst governments have merely asked why it’s such a big deal.

Government technology analyst Dwight Matthews told us, “Think of it like being followed round by an autistic relative who can tell you precisely what you had for lunch on february 11th, but has no idea if you left the iron on this morning.”

“It suddenly seems a lot less threatening now, doesn’t it?”

“Good, that’s how we like it.”

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