Monday 3 June 2013 by Formelia Alberthine

Health campaigners call for Catherine Zeta-Jones’ vagina to be offered in ‘plain packaging’

After Hollywood star Michael Douglas claimed that performing cunnilingus on his wife gave him throat cancer, health campaigners have called on Catherine Zeta-Jones’ vagina to be placed in less appealing packaging.

The Welsh actress has been advised to comply with recent legislation and offer her marital wares from behind a shuttered cabinet with a superfluously grim biological image detailing the repercussions of direct interaction.

Health campaigner, Sheila Mount, denied the move was a knee-jerk reaction to a sexual act which repeatedly produces its very own knee-jerk reaction.

“By no means is this a headline grabbing response to a concern that affects only one man – Michael Douglas – it’s a headline grabbing response which affects Catherine too,” she told us.

“Giving head to a Welshwoman is going to be a noisy affair at the best of times, but can you imagine it being conducting beneath an industrial style cabinet with some old scroat in between your legs?”

“Her Welsh ‘valley’ should be have clear warning signs.”

Zeta-Jones’ carcinogenic vagina

Sex administrator and nightclub owner Peter Stringfellow, claimed the request for Zeta-Jones to package her leisure area where no-one can see it was a restriction of trade.

“It would be like tell a Lord he can’t do whatever he likes for money – totally unfair.”

“Would she get a job at my establishment if she was packaged in a plain brown bag?”

“Not a chance.”

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