England left-back Ashley Cole is to have sex with the captain’s armband in celebration of reach 100 caps for his country.
After being told he would lead the team out against the Republic of Ireland this evening, Cole confided in friends that he could probably have sex with the armband if he wanted to.
As one friend explained, “Ashley is a reformed character, definitely, so he’s unlikely to shoot it with an air rifle, but there’s a pretty good chance he’ll press his genitals into it.”
“He probably knows he shouldn’t, but putting his genitals where they shouldn’t go has been as much a feature of his professional career as England appearances, so it’s kind of poetic when you think about it.”
“At least he’s not cheating on a member of Girls Aloud whilst doing it this time.”
Ashley Cole to 100 caps
Commentators have congratulated Cole on reaching the milestone of ‘England Centurion’, and said he would make the perfect captain for the night.
An FA spokesperson explained, “He was the perfect choice really, as we like to recognise senior players when they achieve personal milestones.”
“But no, we don’t want the armband back at the end of the night, he can keep it as there’s a strong possibility it will have been up his arse.”