Tuesday 14 May 2013 by Gary Stanton

George Osborne admits to preventative brain surgery

George Osborne has admitted to having his brain removed in order to prevent him having any more policy ideas.

In a candid interview, the Chancellor said the decision to undergo a double hemisphere echtomy was forced on him by his Coalition partners after several of them noticed he had spunked the economy into a double-dip recession.

Osborne’s remaining motor functions such as speech and smiling inanely are controlled by a piece of residual tissue the size of a walnut, situated below the pituitary gland.

Osborne insisted that, without an operation, his doctors estimated he had an 87% risk of “thoughts” and a 50% risk of “implementing them”.

“I decided to be proactive and to minimise the risk as much I could,” he told us.

“The problem is I carry a faulty gene called “FKW006T” which unfortunately makes me an incurable fuckwit”.

Osborne surgery

The Chancellor went on to explain the details around the debilitating condition.

“This gene is present in many conservatives and in isolation it doesn’t normally cause a problem. We are able to lead more or less normal lives.”

“However, I also carry one called “ARG456J”, which is the gene for unbearable arrogance. The two genes acting in unison make me an unbearably arrogant fuckwit, and smug with it.”

“I want to encourage every man out there, especially if you have a family history of “being a knob” or “doing twattish things”, to seek out the information and medical experts who can help you to a diagnosis.

“Then you can make your own informed choices, like not holding a cabinet position.”

He added, “They’ve told me my best hope is gene therapy, but I wouldn’t hold your breath.”

“I certainly can’t.”

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