Thursday 9 May 2013

Dour Scot to replace dour Scot

Manchester United are set to conclude their search for a new miserable Scotsman by appointing David Moyes.

With Sir Alex Ferguson announcing his retirement, the pressure was on to secure a suitably miserable Scotsman to keep transitional issues to a minimum.

A Manchester United insider told us, “It’s not a done deal yet, as the board are keen to see David’s watch-tapping skills and his angry gum-chewing stance.”

“We haven’t asked him about the hair dyer, but you only have to look at him to know he’s got that in his locker.”

“We’re quite sure that given time David can turn that bug-eyed death stare of his towards journalists who ask the wrong questions and referees who make the wrong decisions.”

“He’s got Manchester United written all over him.”

Moyes for United

Fans have welcomed the planned appointment, insisting that their International stars are used to gruff Scottish instructions from the side of the pitch.

Season ticket non-holder Simon Williams told us, “We really don’t want Wayne Rooney having to learn a new accent. That could take years.”

“We’re all about continuity, and what better way to ensure that than pick the second most miserable Scot in the managerial business?”

“If you close your eyes, he even sounds the same.”

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