Arnold Schwarznegger to star in ‘Opportunistic Predator’ reboot

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The latest offering from the Predator movie franchise will feature Arnold Schwarznegger on a mission to capture a technologically advanced form of nonce, it has emerged.

In the new version, an alien spacecraft enters the Earth’s atmosphere and jettisons a pod, which descends into the BBC studios of North West Tonight.

Schwarznegger’s character ‘Dutch’ leads a team of commandos whose brief is to take the creature out before it can interfere with any children in the vicinity.

However, his job is complicated by the creature’s uncanny ability to forge a successful TV career spanning thirty years and blend in seamlessly with its surroundings.

The film gathers momentum as Arnie and his crack team of ET paedo-hunters parachute onto the roof of Salford Media City while presenter Roger Johnson is reading a report on job losses at a factory in Preston.

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All appears to be well until thermal imaging cameras reveal that the creature has morphed into an IKEA sofa on which Johnson and co-host Annabelle Tiffin are engaged in faux-friendly banter.

Tension mounts as Johnson announces that the sofa is due to play host to a team of twelve year-old gymnasts from Northwich, leaving Arnie with only minutes to avoid some kind of prime time incident.

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Critic Mark Kermode said, “The team only realise what they’re up against when they stumble upon the fleeced corpse of the scruffy bloke who does the sport lying in a broom cupboard.”

“Although several viewers rang in to complain, this film marks a massive return to form after the debacle of Kindergarten Cop.”

Kermode added, “It’s a knockout.”