Horses on high alert following heavy Newcastle loss

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Stables across the country have been placed on high alert due to the risk of equine violence following Newcastle United’s 0-6 loss against Liverpool.

The Government has issued instructions for horses to stay indoors following predictions of what could be a days of bloody violence between Geordies and Horse-kind.

A spokesman for Number 10 said, “Emergency shelters have been put in operation, and are operating a strict ‘mares and foals first’ policy.”

“We strongly advise all horses not to take any risks. Even if you look a bit ‘horsey’, we suggest you stay away from the north-east or anyone from that region altogether.”

Newcastle defeat

Those working with horses have reported thousands of frightened animals concerned for their safety.

A farmer in County Durham told reporters that, as the sixth goal hit its mark, frantic cries of “nay, nay, nay!” could be heard coming from his livestock, just before they ran into the North Sea and decided to swim for it.

Panicked breeders have been furiously tweeting that the effect on the horse population could be “worse than 50 Grand Nationals put together.”