New MMR jab to offer total protection against Luis Suarez, experts claim

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One million schoolchildren are to be offered a vaccine to combat Liverpool striker Luis Suarez, it has emerged.

Illnesses carried by Suarez are a major concern now that Branislav Ivanovic is fighting for his life in a London clinic after being diagnosed with full-blown rabies.

Health officials are warning of epidemics similar to the one in Swansea, which has seen nearly 900 cases,since Liverpool’s goalless draw at the Liberty stadium.

Scientists now believe these outbreaks could occur in any location where Liverpool are scheduled to play away from home, including Fulham.

Boffins were able to establish a link between the Swansea cases and Luis Suarez by comparing indentations on childrens’ arms with the Uruguayan maestro’s dental records.

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It is believed the schoolchildren were infected after Suarez, who wasn’t wearing a muzzle, got ‘a bit bitey’ following an autograph signing session.

New MMR jab

Rabies is a highly contagious disease characterised by rash decisions and a tendency to go down too easily in the penalty area.

Geneticists claim they can offer full protection against Suarez by taking the rubella bit out of the current vaccine and replacing it with rabies.

Virologist Simon Williams said, “The beauty of it is that since rubella and rabies start with the same letter, we will save millions of pounds we would have otherwise spunked up the wall on rebranding.”

“We have already hoodwinked thousands of children in Scotland into taking the vaccination by mixing it in with their regular doses of smack.”