Does anyone know an omniscient super-being who could sort this mess out, asks Archbishop

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The Archbishop of Canterbury has warned it will take ‘something very, very major’ to get the UK out of its economic ‘depression’, but he couldn’t quite put his finger on what.

The Most Rev Justin Welby told a Bible Society-organised event at Westminster that some kind of creator and sustainer of the universe could probably help, before asking if anybody knew of one.

“I’ve prayed to God, but he’s at as much of a loss as I am,” he said.

“Someone suggested Harry Potter, but I had to point out that he’s just a made-up character from a popular book of fiction that some people take a little bit too seriously.”

“Honestly, we’re in real trouble here. If only someone could find a benevolent deity who claimed to love every single one of us and didn’t want to see us come to harm, then surely everything would be OK?”

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Archbishop on economy

Financial experts have said that asking the Archbishop of Canterbury for advice on economic recovery is like seeking spiritual guidance from George Osborne.

As one analyst explained, “He’s not particularly well qualified, likely to suggest entirely inappropriate actions and probably doesn’t believe the words that come out of his mouth most of the time – and George Osborne is no different.”

“Has anyone thought to ask the bankers what they think we should do?”