Chancellor George Osborne has claimed the little people who actually pay tax need to take a long, hard look at themselves for funding the lavish lifestyle of welfare recipient and child murderer Mick Philpott.
“Ordinary people often blindly pay tax without stopping to think of where their money goes” said Osborne from his Swiss ski chalet.
“They don’t realise that their taxes are funding mass-murderers such as Philpott, and socialists.”
“My Cabinet colleagues and I are acutely aware of the need to prevent people like Philpott having access to hand-outs that enable them to murder with impunity, which is why we are careful to place as much money as we can in tax-free jurisdictions.”
“I’d like to see Philpott try to break into my safe deposit box in Zurich to get cash to carry on his killing spree.”
Osborne on benefits
Tory MP Dominic Raab, speaking from his accountant’s office in Jersey, said that Osborne’s stand was brave, and highlighted the naivety of British workers in railing against tax avoidance.
“The Conservative Party is funded by huge multi-nationals and super-rich individuals, and we ensure that our backers do not pay billions of pounds in tax that would otherwise go to the public purse and into the hands of Philpott and his benefit scrounging, murdering cronies.”
Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls said the Tory approach was too simplistic.
“No matter how you tweak the tax laws, ordinary people will still unthinkingly pay tax, just like they continue to eat fatty food, smoke, and watch Celebrity Big Brother.”
“Labour will ensure Philpott has no access to these taxes by making sure that MPs get the money first through their eye-watering expense claims” said Balls from his 25 acre country estate that doubles as his second home.
“We will leave no stone unturned, and no ornamental water feature unclaimed, to ensure that Philpott is stopped.”