Iain Duncan Smith denies job centre death squads working to league tables

author avatar by 11 years ago

The Department for Work and Pensions has strongly denied that death squads targeting benefit claimants are having their performance monitored by strict league tables.

News leaked last week suggested that if Iain Duncan Smith’s death squads do not remove a sufficient number of claimants from the ecosystem, they will be named and shamed in performance-based league tables.

Employment minister Mark Hoban said that a table showing a Walthamstow poverty death squad ranked 95th out of 109 was an isolated case and down to an error by a local Job Centre Plus management assassin.

However, other death squads have since contacted us to say that league tables and incentives are indeed in place, with one area manager being presented with an Easter Egg for bagging fifty corpses.

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Iain Duncan Smith has reissued a denial insisting any extermination squad found using targets or league tables would be ‘liquidated’ and their weapons transferred to another unit.

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The Work and Pensions Secretary is a known critic of league tables, believing them to be an imprecise way of measuring DWP- instigated fatalities or the numbers indirectly killed by starvation.

Walthamstow Death Squad Manager Simon Williams said, “League tables measuring actual ‘kills’ present a false picture, and they don’t include job seekers maimed with rifle butts who crawl pathetically away and die unseen in a ditch.”

“If I sanction somebody’s benefit withdrawal and they go away and hang themselves, it’s only classed as a ‘draw’ – earning me a meagre point.”

“However, a direct shot to the head or pancreas is classed as a ‘win’ bringing in 3 points.”

“We may be three places below Leytonstone in the league, but we’ve got two games in hand.”

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