Helen Mirren’s intestines to play Queen’s guts in new play about gastroenteritis

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Helen Mirren’s lower bowel is to deliver another faultless performance in which she portrays the monarch living with a crippling bowel condition, it has emerged.

The play entitled ‘I’d Give It Ten Minutes If I Were You’ imagines a series of important meetings between the Queen and her private toilet cubicle, while she was suffering from ‘the shits’ at London’s Edward VII hospital.

Dame Helen said, “At first I had doubts about allowing my intestines to play playing the Queen’s alimentary canal because as an actor you want to go forward. This represented a backwards movement.”

“The ultimate challenge is that your bowels can never ever be as good as the originals,” she told us.

Mirren as the Queen

Throughout the play, which airs at London’s Gielgud theatre, Mirren is thrown into repeated conflict with her embittered toilet cleaner played by Anna Friel.

Friel said, “I felt typecast by the whole Brookside lesbian-kiss thing, although I secretly enjoyed it at the time – obviously.”

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“One way to break out of that mould was to put on the Marigolds, reach for the Toilet Duck and spend hours in the theatre bogs scraping shit off the inside of the enamel.”

“As an actor, cubicle number three represented a particularly tough challenge.”

“At one point we had to send out for three gallons of Mr Muscle because nothing would shift it – but it prepared me well for what Dame Helen’s arse had to throw at me.”

Last night theatre critic Simon Williams was quick to heap praise on Mirren’s ‘jacksie’

“Helen’s anus is so versatile in the role. It’s a real gutsy performance.”

Mirren concluded, “In the future I would love to play Catherine the Great’s arse – that’s an extraordinary colorectal passage.”