Feature: Is gastroenteritis just a posh word for ‘the shits’?

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After the Queen was discharged from hospital, following what Palace officials described as ‘suspected gastroenteritis’, we take a closer look at the illness to determine whether it’s just a posh way of saying she was squirting her royal muck through the eye of a needle.

Gastroenteritis, which is an inflammation of the gastrointestinal tract, can be transmitted through contact with an infected person or eating at Heston Blumenthal’s restaurant.

Diarrhoea is one of the main symptoms of the illness, but Buckingham Palace failed to confirm whether the Queen’s arsehole was erupting with a noxious foul-smelling liquid like a bottle-rocket full of gravy.

“The Queen was suffering from abdominal pain and cramping,” revealed a Palace spokesperson.

“Your suggestion that her toilet was left looking like someone had thrown chocolate mousse into an open blender would only serve to damage her reputation on the world stage.”

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Our sources indicate that Rome is somewhere in Italy

It is unclear what treatment the Queen received or whether a planned trip to Rome will be rescheduled, but our sources have revealed that she definitely received some kind of treatment and that Rome is somewhere in Italy.

Members of the public who have been reluctant to provide their work colleagues with the image of them sat on the toilet sobbing brown tears from their dirtbox have expressed their relief at having a medical term to describe their suffering.

“Gastroenteritis sounds so much better than ‘the squits’,” explained 45 year-old Miriam Frampton-Jones from Cheltenham.

“People criticise the Queen, but she does an incredible amount of work for the country.

Not only for charitable organisations and enhancing the UK’s image, but also in deflecting attention away from the state of my anus.”

An artist’s impression of a hospital like the one the Queen would have stayed in

Doctors have revealed that it is unlikely the Queen would not have suffered from diarrohea, with one gastroenterologist insisting she probably would have spent much of the time doubled up in pain yelling, “Get the fuck out of one’s ringpiece you filthy bastard!”

“Gastroenteritis is a painful and potentially explosive condition,” revealed Dr Frederick Malcolm.

“It isn’t beyond the realms of possibility that her bumhole would have been left looking like a tin of plum tomatoes after being fed through a paper shredder.

The Queen would have been treated by a doctor who may have looked like this

The Queen’s spokesbutler revealed that her stay in hospital had been precautionary to ensure that there were no underlying reasons for her nipsy going off like a pungent geyser.

“The Queen doesn’t have a nipsy, ringpiece, arsehole, dirtbox, bunghole or a cackbox,” he explained “If she did, it wouldn’t explode, erupt or go off like someone throwing milkshake through an extractor fan.

“You’re grown men for God’s sake!”