Tuesday 12 February 2013 by Waylandsmithy

Townies urged to stop using wild animals as babysitters

A rural think-tank has urged city dwellers to stop using wild animals as unpaid domestic staff, particularly carnivores who can’t produce decent references.

Despite efforts by foxes to improve their public image by wearing tweed and outwitting greedy farmers, the cunning canines have been down-graded from ‘cutesy hedge friends’ to ‘baby-chewing vermin’.

“Ever since Disney’s Peter Pan was released in the early ’50s, Londoners have used big, friendly dogs to mind their children”, suggested Jed Bulmer of the 12-Bore Foundation.

“But you can’t domesticate a fox to the point where it would pass a CRB check” , insisted Bulmer.

“We country folk have a little saying about foxes that you’d do well to remember. It goes ‘we told you they were bastards, you soft London twats’.”

Fox warning

News that the quadrapeds have been interfering with kids has led to a sharp rise in urban fox hunting.

Chavs on mopeds have been seen pursuing a pack of pitbulls through Bromley, communicating with the beasts using air horns.

Hotly pursued by mounted police, Alsatians and a helicopter from Sky News, interest in blood sports in the capital is now at a 400-year high.

But a spokesfox claims the species has been misunderstood, blaming parents for not keeping their children in more secure sheds.

Fur matted with mange and burger gherkins, mouth reddened with ‘ketchup’, the fox claimed he could easily be kept out of a nursery with chicken wire.

“In the countryside, we used to survive on poultry and rabbits”, said the fox. “Now we get by on chewing gum, tramp-sick and chips.”

“We’ve picked up your taste for crap, so in a way this whole ‘nibbling babies’ thing is all your fault. We’ll try anything now, especially if it’s a little fatty.”

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