Findus apologise for causing fresh outbreak of terrible horse puns

author avatar by 10 years ago

After tests revealed that Findus lasagnes contain 100% horsemeat, the frozen food company have apologised for any increase in shit horse puns caused by the discovery.

A Findus spokesperson revealed that the company would “take every possible step” to help minimise the effects of the same few puns being repeated over and over and over again.

“The horsemeat found in our products pose no risk to the public’s health,” insisted the spokesperson.

“However, we recognise that after hearing someone repeat a horse pun for the thousandth time, the risk is significantly increased.”

The Food Standards Agency (FSA) have warned it’s not just an outbreak of puns that Findus should be apologising for.

“Smug vegetarians and people who have the time to cook meals from scratch using carefully sourced ingredients are also a problem,” said Catherine Brown, the FSA’s chief executive.

“Having to listen to someone harp on about how they only buy their meat from a bi-sexual butcher who was raised in the Andes by South American fair trade goat herders can be massively tiresome.

“Similarly, vegetarians insisting that the hempseed and quinoa couscous in their packed lunch box will help them gain a higher state of consciousness allowing them to interact with the spirit world can be equally irksome.”

Horse pun here

Environment Secretary Owen Paterson said that steps must be taken to ensure that consumers don’t fall into the trap of assuming that the food they are eating is similar to what is described on the packaging.

“It’s an easy mistake to make,” he said.

“Food companies should remove all doubt as to what their products contain.”

“That’s why I’m calling for all types of meat to come under one easy catch-all title.”

“Animal chunks.”